Common questions most often posed to me are, “Do we need to see a relationship counselor? I think we have sexual problems? How do we find the right specialist? A sex therapist, in the world do you do? Just mentioning sex and human sexuality continue to disturb and cause a state of unrest for most, when thrown into the mix of conversations of our modern culture.

I’m standing inside the sushi restaurant last week, waiting for my take-out tempura salmon roll. A very charming and handsome man also waiting outside the front door beckons for me to join him while waiting for our lunch orders. He casually asks if I live in the neighborhood and what I do for a living. Before I answer him, I notice a woman sitting not 3 feet from us, observing the conversation. She seems somewhat amused by the charming man and his social tactics (pick-up lines). I open my mouth to respond and my mind is already whirling with thoughts of the response I will most likely get from my answer.

“My job is as a sexologist and I am state board certified, a Marriage and Family Therapist with a PhD in Clinical Sexology…” I pause, watching the look on his face. The woman at the table nearby, also has looked up from her lunch, I have their total focus now. You do what”, he asks rather loudly? I again explain my work and add, “You know, like Dr. Ruth, America’s favorite sexologist…only a few years her junior.”

ll watching us. She smiles and says, “this should be interesting.” This is the response I receive nearly every time people, once they’ve asked what my profession is. Even upon explanation, there still seems to be that stunned look on their faces. So then, why the shock effect from stating that one works in this uniquely important field? I am not certain that people fully understand what sexology is, since it is a very specific specialized field. It can mean different things to different people, since the field of sex therapy is very specific to its requirements and regulations. I will cover that in part two of this article.

When or why might you need a sexologist and what to expect in sex therapy, and what sex therapists can accomplish in your life? Initially, it is important to understand that we as human beings don’t exist in a unilateral world. We are almost always in relationship with one or another persons. Whether it be work or personal life, there is a systemic flow to who you are and how you interact in the world around you. In your relationship the issues of sex, intimacy, love, career, health and life in general all add up your identities together.

In sex therapy we often important to break down these individual issues and isolate the actual sexual issues from the relationship factors. Although if is often difficult to separate the two, that’s exactly what your sex therapist attempts.Ton better understand sequences of behavior and patterns of interaction in your relationship, therapy helps you to gain clarity on who you are and what you expect from your partner. A loving relationship depends on a healthy sex life and vice versa.

Fixing a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean the sex life automatically becomes healthy, though it can at times. There is a method behind the madness of therapy and sex therapy. We do not perform magic, though at times it can seem so. It is work, and hard work on everyone’s part. The original therapeutic models for sex therapy go back more than three decades to the pioneering sexologists.

The couples who enter our offers run the gamut of issues and complaints from performance anxiety to lack of libido to erectile disorder to orgasm dysfunctions (and many, many others). Many simply have given up and feel there is no love left. Sometimes that is the problems, sometimes not. That is where a good sexologist can come in very handy.

Many sex therapists also handle a variety of alternative lifestyle sexual and relationship issues. A very important issue we handle daily is human communication regarding a couple’s personal relationship and sexuality. We often have to wear many hats.

Sexologists have devoted much time and research in order to gain an understanding of human sexuality and human behaviors. The training and coursework is very specific to sexuality issues. In choosing a therapist of your choice, make sure that the clinician you choose, has received both a proper education, as well as clinical supervision from a university that offers a state qualified human sexuality graduate program.

But This Is My Bread and Butter” has been quoted it seems since the ice age. Maybe it is just another soon to become ancient jewel, its prolific meaning to be covered in cobwebs, lost to the English language and never to be found again. However, in relationship therapy, the mainstay of dynamics of relationship, sex, intimacy and money, remain forever constant, and this old cliche’ is hitting close to home to more and more couples. When conflict arises, it can be confusing.

I personally prefer to liken the dynamics and personal interactions among lovers and couples as that of the numerous possibilities and options of one’s personal preferences. Much the same as something as simple as the choices one makes with “the mixing of “butter and jam.” The basic adage remains the same, its simply the nuances of interaction that change.

Yesterday morning at breakfast, I was standing in my kitchen buttering a piece of toast, I placed my knife into the butter, and then ever so carefully into the jar of jam, being certain not to leave any butter in the jam jar. I laughed at myself afterwards… thinking, who cares….its my jam jar and I can do what I want with it! Does it really matter if there are bread crumbs abound in my fifteen-dollar jar of French jam? Did someone ask me or reprimand me?

The dynamics are similar to the “rules of engagement” in relationships. Whether one is arguing over, money, sex, love, lust, libido, the list goes on and on….the subject always boils down to the right to personal choice and not wanting to be subjugated to another’s wants or needs, which may or may not parallel to our own.

The important issue at hand is regarding a person’s right to choice, to not be owned, nor second to another, to have the right to speak your truth in relationship without being edited or condemned by your partner. This doesn’t mean that one or the other of you is wrong or totally right. It is learning about the areas of gray in every relationship, compromising, and learning what differences are acceptable and which are not.

So the concept arises of a couple building a healthy relationship based on trust and respect. If Dick wants to dip his butter knife in the Jam, then Jane has a right to an opinion. However, if Jane is opposed to the idea, it is that stance of saying NO..to your partner…where one is put in the place of being in “the wrong.” Aha!!!!! So why then must it come to blows…indignant emotions, feelings being hurt? Why must the other be wrong, and must you feel kick them if they are, or communicate and find a solution to the conflict or difference?

Compromise and acceptance of the other’s belief system and perspective of the world is a delicate but necessary process, that most often leads to the throes of imbalance and unhappiness in relationship if not practiced on a daily if not hourly basis. It is work.

In summary, there are some basics in relationship that can be changed, other behaviors are those that you’ll have to decide whether or not you can live with. Choose your battles carefully, for as the old adage goes….”You may win the battle, but you will lose the war.”

Patients often ask their therapist what action they should take regarding a specific dynamic in their relationship. It is important for the the individual or couple upon entering the therapy process to be aware, that it is not for the Doctor or Therapist to tell them what to do or how to do it, but rather, to interpret for the couple, and help them to understand exactly what it is that they are attempting to communicate.

It is not a Therapist’s job to FIX the people that walk through their office doors, but rather to “Help Them Help Themselves. ” During this process, the therapist provides a safe haven to explore issues, and an experts positioning on the sequences of behavior and patterns of interaction at play in the couples relationship.

Sometimes it seems impossible “to see the forest for the trees” when one is in the middle of crisis in their own personal trials and tribulations of life and love. As the Therapist, it is my job to help the couple/individual make sense of and choose possible options for moving forward in their relationships in a a positive manner that is pro-active by both parties.

With these basic and essential boundaries in place, the groundwork for the therapeutic process starts. The foundation is laid.

The first three sessions lay that foundation. This is when the therapist must “join” with the patient, meaning, that each respective party begins to feel comfortable in their role as patient, and therapist. It is during these crucial beginning sessions that the doctor/patient relationship is evolves as if it takes a life of its own and is nurtured, and real progress begins to take its course.

Should the patient(s) decide that there is a “comfort zone” and they wish to continue with therapy with this particular doctor/ therapist, it is at this point that the interactive components of trust and therapeutic process between Doctor and Patient develop into a relationship that is trusting and dynamic.

The secret to a” healthy working relationship” with your therapist, and to getting the most out of your therapy, is in truly understanding the Therapeutic process. A few of these rules for therapy are listed below.

1. When approaching therapy, decide whether you are there to “win” at something, or to “work on solutions” to help your relationship survive. Working is the key.

2. A good therapist will not “take sides”. Your therapist is well-trained to work from an Objective stance, not Subjective.

3. Let down the defenses: Don’t come into therapy with a “chip on your shoulder” you are either here to gain a better understanding of your relationship or to fight about the past. Unfair fighting is a deal breaker and you will find yourself a difficult person with which to deal (even with yourself).

4. Responsibility for your own life, relationship and therapeutic process is a key to success. not going to therapy will not “fix” your relationship. It is up to you and your mate to follow through with the therapeutic process while with me or not.

5. Expect your therapist to provide interactive discussion during therapy. Today’s therapy hopes to provide the patient with Solutions for Today’s problems. Simply venting or talking to the therapist for the 55 minute session is old school therapy, psychodynamic, and often leaves the patient feeling as thought they’ve come out of therapy with no new tools or skills to work with.

6. In solution-focused therapy, homework, or directives for further development of your therapy treatment plan are implemented, so that you’ve done your part of the therapy process between sessions whether they be live or on the telephone.

7. Therapy is not easy but good therapy is worth it. Expect to feel uncomfortable at the beginning. It is difficult to feel vulnerable and safe enough at the same time, to express your personal issues and move forward with your therapist. Hopefully these guidelines will provide a birds-eye view enabling you to get the most from your investment in Psychotherapy. If you are reading this article, you are taking the first step to improving your quality of life and relationships. Remember Richard Dreyfus’ book in “What About Bob”. Baby steps. Then the bigger ones.